How did I get here? Again?

Well, hello there all you cool cats and kittens!  No, that isn't right.  You must be wondering how you found yourself here.  To be honest, I'm wondering the same thing.  

I used to blog on the regular 5-6 years ago.  That blog has long since been deleted.  It's not something I ever wanted to rehash so in a moment of frustration, I deleted it.  Not because of dieting and weight loss mind you, because I deleted it in a fit right around the time I was deleting every mention I could find about my ex-husband.  And that blog was full of him.  I harbor no ill will now.  I'll say that much but it was quite a long journey and I'm glad to say that I'm on the other side of it now and it is quite literally in the past.  So onto new and hopefully better things.  

My life is going well now.  I'm mentally in a good place (thanks in a huge part to loads of therapy during and post divorce).  Everything was finalized a year and a half ago and that chapter is well closed.  I am seeing someone and I am cautiously optimistic about the future.  There is one big (ahem) thing holding me back.

The scale.

I took a bold step and got up the nerve to see what damage the last 3 years has done since I stopped actively working out, logging my food, keeping myself accountable with instagram and blogging, and drinking vast amounts of water.  And boy, what a wake up call it was.  I am gonna own it.  I am 243.4.  244.4 was my all time high.  I am ONE POUND away from the number I swore that I would never see again.

I am not ready to share this journey with John Q. Public at this stage.  This, right now, is just for me and a few select friends whom I trust.  You know who you are and you helped me along this path the first time.  I want you here now for this one too.  

In light of what is going on with the world, I need to figure out a game plan.  I can't do what I did before and as often.  Before, I would wake up at 4:30 am and walk and/or run before work.  My neighborhood has changed since then and it is not as safe as it once was.  Plus, I am all alone and I do not have anyone presently here to watch out for my well being.  I mean, there is the dog, but he is more of a lover and not a fighter so I'm not sure what good use he would even be.  So I need something sustainable.  I still have a membership to the gym.  I am seriously on the fence if I want to keep it or not, however.  I'm presently in the "high risk" category for Covid-19 so I'm trying to be extra cautious about my surroundings.  I can walk at work but heat is already a factor here.  But I can at least try to get to work early too and maybe do some laps there before work at at the very least on my morning break.  I'm also thinking about researching some online fitness options that I would not get bored with.  I'm an avid tennis player and those areas are starting back up now but I'm still a bit resistant.  My coach texted us just this week and wanted to organize a practice.  But again, I have some serious reservations right now about any group activities. I know she needs to earn her living too though.  But, for now, I can leave that to the younger, and more healthier tennis players out there.  I simply do not feel comfortable with it right this second and I can only imagine how awful it would be to play in a mask (and I would totally do that too if need be).  For now though, I feel like I need to wait a bit until the world has a bit better handle on things.

The other thing I need to figure out is this.  Food.  Oh geez this is gonna be tough.  I literally eat frozen meals or sandwiches, like all the time.  I hate cooking on a good day but I really really hate cooking for just myself.  I know I need to get that out of my head however.  And I need to find a way to make this work for me.  

I also know that I cannot dive into this.  I have to dip a toe in and gradually get my bearings.  For now, I'm starting small.  I'll share my initial baby step goals in another post I think.  I will need to ponder those for a bit.  I know some sort of exercise and meal tracking will be involved.  And for now I think I've prattled on long enough.   But here I am.  Again.  Rebooting myself.